The Path Back to God : It's Okay to be a Hypocrite

  I really hate (even if it is a very strong word) how the word hypocrite has such a negative meaning. I mean, whats so wrong with changing your mind, being enlightened or being proved wrong? It just makes you a little smarter- a little wiser. I'm not going to lie, when I was in middle school, I was very evolved in church, all I wanted to do was serve God. Then I hit a pretty low spot, where I felt so alone, friends left me for popularity and I hit a standstill. I began to feel unloved and incredibly alone. I was a 6'0 tall awkward girl, who had just got out of her scene phase. People ask me why I don't like tumblr, and its because from what I've seen it has an extremely negative effect on people. It exposes people to things that are very negative, but it shows them as cool, trending or whatever you want to call it. I have a few friends personally that have found themselves on a very destructive path, and I feel like it is because they were so wrapped up in how many followers they had, and how they looked to the outside "trending" eye. I, as embarrassed as I am to say this, was the same way for a while. Luckily I caught myself with the help of a loving mother, a great friend, and of course the feeling of purpose I felt in the presence of God, and reminding myself of that.

 I don't really want to go into all the crazy details of just how bad I got, but to kind of explain what happened, I fell into a massive depression, started to self harm, stop eating, and make myself out to be someone that I am not. Everyday I thought about how much better it would all be if I was just dead, and how much I didn't want to be here, how I didn't have a purpose and I was just another face in the crowd that would never be missed for more than a second.

  I never want to go back there. I never want anyone to feel the same way I did. So many girls in my generation are so wrapped up in popularity, that they are willing to do anything for attention. From exposing themselves on the internet, to forcing themselves to be something they are not. Everyday I see girls on instagram, facebook and twitter posting pictures of themselves in compromising ways. Their dying their hair, strictly for attention, hurting themselves and showing it off to the world. It makes me sick, and all I want to do, is pull them to the light of God, so they to, can feel that absolute rush of being healed.

 But back on the topic of returning to God, I was very afraid to be a hypocrite. I was worried that people would look at me, scowl and say something along the lines of "Look at her, she's just a wreck." But, as it turns out, I kinda am. And that's okay.  For a while, I refused to see the obvious. I did everything I could to stay away from church, and away from God. My bible was hidden so I didn't have to see it. I scoffed at anyone with any amount of faith. I was such an idiot, not because I didn't want God, no there are a lot of people who deny God, but are brilliant. No, I was an idiot because I knew where I should have been, I knew where the healing was. But I refused to go where my pain would be lifted, and instead decided to sit and loathe myself in it. 

 Here at Foursquare Church, there is a conference held annually for tweens, teens and young adults. United Generation 2013 is what brought me back, and saved me from the Hell that I was binding myself to. As soon as I walked into that familiar church, felt the vibration of the bass guitar during worship, I knew that I was there for a reason. It was the starting line to what was quite possibly the longest, and most fulfilling weekend of my life.